| How To. | Troubleshoot Your Computer |
What you will need: A computer (preferably a PC as iMacs generally do not need troubleshooting), internet access, a pot of coffee, a spoon, a bowl, a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream (choose your own flavor), a phone, a credit card with a high availability or a checking or savings account with an endless amount of funds, a brick or other heavy object.
Step #1:
Determine whether the trouble you are having is with the software (does the problem only occur on certain programs?), the connections (Is the computer plugged in?), or the Hardware (Is there smoke rising from the monitor or the hard-drive?). If the problem pertains to the first two, go ahead and try to fix it yourself (Try reinstalling the program, and plug in the computer - don't be afraid, just pretend it's a toaster). If the problem is with the hard drive - please proceed to step #2.
Step #2:
Turn on your computer, turn on the monitor, turn on the speakers, wait a long time for your operating system to load. While you wait pour yourself a nice cup of fresh hot coffee (mmm, relax - keep waiting until that little hour glass thingy stops moving - this means that all of your viruses and spyware have now finished loading and we are ready to begin).
Step #3:
Click on the start button, go to the settings drop down list and click on "Control Panel." Now you see all of the stuff on your computer that you never use. These are all the programs that make that box in front of you worth $2,000 when all you really use it for is email and solitaire. Now, notice that all of these items are really confusing to those of us over the age of 15? We don't really want to deal with any of this stuff. Close that window and forget you ever saw it.
Step #4:
If you are able to actually move your mouse, you should consider yourself very lucky, simply do what all the professional overpaid IT people do in all the big corporations (simultaneously hit "control", "ALT", and "Delete"). Get your fingers used to this position, if you own a Compaq or a Toshiba they may spend a lot of time on these keys. The computer should either restart or ask you if you would like to close down the programs that it is unable to close before restarting. Don't worry that's probably just your spyware and viruses talking, click away and let the computer restart. If those 3 magic buttons do nothing and your computer locks up please skip to Step #7
Step #6:
If the computer restarts then skip to step #9.
Step #7:
If "Control", "ALT", "Delete" had no affect whatsoever and your computer is sitting there being as useful as a bag of chicken breasts is to a starving vegetarian, than try the following. Find the power switch and shut it down for a few seconds. If you have a Compaq and the power switch is useless, unplug the stupid thing and let it think about what it has done for a few minutes. This is what we in the Computer World like to call a "Time Out." If the Computer continues to run even after you have stripped it from its power source then the problem is bigger than we thought - you may want to call in an exorcist.
Step #8:
Turn the power back on or plug in the computer. Let the "Disc Scan" program run. This may take a few hours so go down to the kitchen and make yourself a nice big bowl of Ben & Jerry's (and freshen your coffee cup with the almost fresh coffee).
Step #9:
Once the computer has reloaded you can either continue playing solitaire or you can check your email. Uh Oh. Is it frozen again? Move forward two spaces and do not collect. sorry different game. Okay we have a problem. This is a tough one. You better finish your ice cream. Bring the bowl and the spoon back to the kitchen and just bring the whole pot of coffee back with you.
Step #10:
Call the support number for the model computer that owns you - I mean that you own. Okay, you hear that music? That is called Muzak and it is designed to calm you as you wait on the phone for the next 3 hours. Now, you hear the man answering the phone? The reason he sounds funny is because he actually lives about 26 hours away by plane in a small little village where they tie up there employees to desks and make them answer questions from middle aged rich Americans who can't figure out how to program their VCRs let alone how to get their solitaire machine working again.
He may transfer you to someone else who will listen intently to your story and then say, oh you need. and then transfer you to another department to another guy who does not seem to understand that in your circle of friends you are quite a brilliant person. He will either let you know that your warranty does not cover the problem, or he will let you know that this particular problem is not covered in your warranty. This is where you move on to step #11.
Step #11:
Take out your wallet and give him your credit card number. Basically, at this point assume that this transaction will max out this credit card. If you do not have credit, you may offer him your first born or pay by automatic bank withdrawal. Again, assume that you will not be going on any vacations for the next few years and that your children will be attending community college at their own expense while working at the local GAP store.
Now, this is important, after the man on the phone takes your information and your money, he will say some really complicated sounding words to try to tell you how to fix your computer. Don't worry, even if you understood these words you would have no way of following his directions, because he mostly likely didn't understand the problem in the first place and he is actually telling you how to make French Onion Dip in the a mixture of Hindi and Computerese.
Step #12:
Hang up the phone. Pour yourself a nice cup of not so fresh, lukewarm water. Take a nice long sip and a deep breath. Put the cup down. Smile - you know that in the end you really didn't need any of the files on this computer. Your family pictures, your music files, all of the work that you have done for the last 3 years, not to mention the countless solitaire games held in its memory banks. These are all being held hostage by this humming machine in your very own home. Remember, the number one rule of negotiation, we do not negotiate with hostages unless they have been farmed out to a foreign country and are being paid by large American computer corporations.
Softly, in a semi-sane voice, whisper, "There will be no negotiating." Pick up your brick or other heavy object a pummel the computer until you have it all out of your system.
Step #13:
Go to your local Computer Outlet and spend more money on a new computer that will be obsolete in two months but has 5 new versions of Solitaire and free internet access for 90 days. Bring it home, plug it in, fill it with files that it can hold hostage and return to Step #1. "That works for me!"